Chapters 25-26

http://www.mrfizzix.com/amusementparks/carousel.htm

 Man did I feel bad about telling Phoebe to shut up, and I felt even worse when she began to cry. I didn't want to hurt her feeling or anything its just that she was so convinced that she was coming with me and I didn't know how to tell her. But anyways, I'm glad I decided to stay. I don't have to pretend to be a mute and I think it made Phoebe feel a lot better too. I can stay close with Phoebe and watch over her to make sure she stays the way she is. There is a lot to protect her from, the places that I thought were safe like my old middle school, now have swear words written all over it. It's only a matter of time before Phoebe begins wondering what the words mean. I also felt uneasy when she herself told me to "shut up", I mean I've never told her that before so how does she know about it? It was so nice seeing her ride the carousel, because I felt as if she loved the way she was and she had no intention of changing. Before I go to school again this fall I've decided to volunteer at the school where Phoebe goes; I can watch over all the kids and clean up some of the words on the walls. It will be a good way to get my mind off of all the things they have me doing in while at the same time keeping Phoebe safe. There's a lot of unanswered questions about Mr. Antolini, Sally, and Jane, but for now, I'm just happy I now know what happens to the ducks.

Chapters 23-24

Photo Credit

I'm still very shaken up after the incident with Mr. Antolini, you put that much trust into a guy only to find out he's a pervert in a phony's body. I honestly can't believe the whole thing, I never saw Mr. Antolini acting that way before. Should I tell someone? Who can I tell? The only people I have left who I can honestly trust now is D.B and Phoebe, but I don't even know how to tell someone about something like this. It is unfortunate though because I considered Mr. Antolini a good friend, someone who I could go talk to, but now I don't think I will ever feel comfortable with him again. I know he was drinking quite heavily throughout our conversation, but I still don't find it an excuse for what he was doing. I understand that he may see me as his son since he has given me quite a lot of advice throughout my life but when I asked him what he was doing he said he was "admiring" me, I mean goddam what else could that possibly mean? I'm definitely not going back to his house, he can keep my tie. I still have the piece of paper he gave me which oddly enough sounds like the advice I've been getting from everybody, all about me planning ahead for my future and crap. I don't need to go to school to find what I want to do in my life...I already found it. I want to find someone who is not telling me what I should be focusing on, instead I want someone who understands my point of view without dismissing it for theirs.

Chapters 21-22

http://kamiyari.deviantart.com/art/Catcher-in-the-rye-79659102

How does Phoebe know so much? She knew that I got kicked out of Pencey without me even having to tell her, and she also understood what I was saying about all the phonies that were at Pencey. I tell her all about the mean people in the world so that she can know all about the phonies that exist and to prevent her from becoming one herself. However, she thinks I dislike everything because even before I went to Pencey, I told her all about the guys at Elkton Hills and their phoniness. I just don't want her to grow up as fast as she is, every time I come back to see her she is more mature than the last time. This time she was even asking what I wanted to do with my life. The funny part is I think she knows more about her future than what I what I know about mine. My goal in life isn't to succeed at an occupation, it is to follow through with a dream. My dream is to prevent kids from losing their most valuable, yet easily lost gift, their innocence. The moment where I saw the little boy walking on the street is instilled inside of me, the fact that his parents were exposing him to the dangers of the world is nefarious. I am thinking of writing this letter to Phoebe just in case my parents send me to military school and don't get a chance to talk to her for a while:

Dear Phoebe,
           Although we may not be able to talk to each other for a little bit, I just want to tell you not to worry about me; Dad will only stay mad for a couple of days and plus D.B. will probably stop by to see once in a while. Also, Phoebe don't think I hate everything because I don't. You have helped me to realize what I actually enjoy, I just tell you all the bad things so that you realize what is really going on in the world. Phoebe don't ever change stay just the way you are, you are perfect already.

                                                                        P.S. If you see mom getting depressed, try to comfort her, she is going through a hard time.
                                                                                                       Love,
                                                                                                        Holden Weatherfield Caulfield

Chapters 17-20

http://holydoodlebeans.tumblr.com/

My talk with Sally and old Luce got me thinking as to why they both don't take me seriously. When I was with Sally, I told her how we should go up to Vermont and stay in a cabin while I look for a job; she couldn't even think about it before she said the whole plan was "fantastic" which killed me. She didn't even believe that I actually thought we could follow through with it, which was crap. She kept saying that we need to wait until after I go to college and then we could start doing these things. When I was with Luce, he kept saying I need to "grow up"and how he preferred mature people over people like me. I just don't understand why everyone thinks it better to wait until were older until we could have fun. I mean goddam, why can't we do everything now? Why does everyone have to grow up? Growing up doesn't seem worth it, Carl grew up and although he is intelligent, he does not enjoy my jokes any more.  I found these lyrics to a song somewhere and it made me feel a lot better knowing that I am not the only person that doesn't want to grow up.
                                           "I Don't Want To Grow Up" - The Ramones

When I'm lyin' in my bed at night
I don't wanna grow up
Nothing ever seems to turn out right
I don't wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog that's
always changing things
Makes wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I don't wanna grow up
I don't ever want to be that way
I don't wanna grow up
Seems that folks turn into things
that they never want
The only thing to live for is today...
I'm gonna put a hole in my T.V. set
I don't wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
I don't wanna grow up
I don't wanna have to shout it out
I don't want my hair to fall out
I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good boy scout
I don't wanna have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount
I don't wanna grow up
Well when I see my parents fight
I don't wanna grow up
They all go out and drinkin all night
I don't wanna grow up
I'd rather stay here in my room
Nothin' out there but sad and gloom
I don't wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don't wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I don't wanna put no money down
I don't wanna get a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I don't wanna float on a broom
Fall in love, get married then boom
How the hell did it get here so soon
I don't wanna grow up
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ramones/idontwanttogrowup.html

Chapters 15-16

http://publications.newberry.org/indiansofthemidwest/indian-imagery/challenging-stereotypes/tribal-museums/

Don't you wish everything stayed the same all the time? It seems like if everything stayed the same throughout my life, things would be a lot better. For-example, I've had to change schools several times which worries my parents each time, and also my relationship with Jane has changed to the point where she might not even care for me anymore. Also, if nothing ever changed in my life Allie would still be around and you would be able to meet him. Nothing ever good comes from change and maybe that's why I loved it when Miss Aigletinger used to bring us to the museum. Till this day, the museum is the only place where I know for a fact how everything will be like. I can't say that about Stradlater or anybody else at Pencey because there all phonies. You could be friends with somebody for years and then all of a sudden find out one day they were a phony all along. I remember back in Elkton Hills I became close friends with this kid named George Lucine, he was a really poor guy but It didn't bother me much. We used to hang out and play cards a lot until one day his family became rich when his dad got hired for some big firm somewhere in New York. As soon as he heard the news he changed, he never wanted to hang out anymore and instead he just went out to the movies and spent all of his money. I hate it when people change because of money, it shows how phony they really are, I think that's why I spend my money so quickly so it has no effect on me. I think Phoebe might be the last person I know who isn't a phony and I don't think she will ever change, she is to smart to change into something she's not.

Chapters 11-14

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hernanhernandez/4395330196/

Ever since my conversation with Horwitz, I have still been thinking of the ducks in the lagoon. It seems like no one really knows much about them or has any interested in them, so I decided to look it up myself. I found this website http://www.centralparknyc.org/about/news/central-park-news/where-do-the-ducks-go.html which finally gave me an answer. I found it interesting that some ducks leave while others stay; I think the ducks that don't feel comfortable with where there are at, leave. It's not that odd, I mean goddam that's exactly what I did with Pencey and everybody. I just wish that I can go all the way down south because everything that happened with Sunny and Maurice is making me want to leave New York now too. I wonder why not all the ducks go south, I mean why wouldn't they want to go to a warmer and more comfortable place? Whatever their motivation for facing the challenges that winter brings is, I want to know it, so that maybe I can use it to go back to Pencey and face everyone again. Maybe one day I'll be more like the ducks that stay during the winter, and be able to confront my problems instead of running away from them.

Chapter 7-10

Even after leaving Pencey the sadness and loneliness that I tried to escape from still lingers over me. Lately I have this feeling that I have no one to turn to anymore, whether that be for support or just someone to talk to. I can't bare to talk to Stradlater and don't even get me started with old Ackley. I enjoyed talking with Morrow's mom on the bus but it didn't do any good considering I told her I was Rudolf Schmidt...Everyone else I could think of calling was either busy or sleeping; I felt like the whole world was sleeping but me. When I arrived at the Edmont, I was fed up with the way I was feeling so I thought I would try my luck in the Lavender room. The lavender room only added to the feeling I have towards people lately. Sure Bernice was a good dancer, but goddam, as soon as I brought up a conversation, it ended. All three girls couldn't hold a conversation and by the time they left, I felt exactly the same before talking to them. I really need someone to talk to, I really do. I mean goddam, are all people like this? This song is exactly how I feel, I need someone to listen to me.

Good Charlotte - SOS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pGacU-3buY

Chapters 4-6

Today I got to thinking about many past people that were once so close to me. I mean goddam, I remembered about Jane and my brother Allie. But I really got to thinking about Allie when I was writing Stradlater's composition. I remembered how goddam nice he was to everyone despite his bright red hair. I wonder if I'd be able to maintain my anger better if he was still around....One time my dad was yelling at me for not trying harder in school, and so I became angry and yelled at everybody. In the midst of my anger, Allie walked into my room and started talking to me as if nothing ever happened, his goddam niceness was so contagious that I began to calm down. He didn't pick sides in any argument, but he somehow resolved them every time. Well since Allie isn't around anymore, I figured I needed to learn some ways to calm my anger myself. I was going to go see a doctor, but this website saved me the time. http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx